In Focus

Apparently, I have become the unwilling host of a spider nursery.

Earlier this summer, as per usual in my home, I found a spider.

I am not a big fan of spiders, and we have an agreement: You stay away from me, I stay away from you. I don’t like them in my house, but I don’t particularly like bugs in my house either. So the spiders can take care of those. They control the bug population, and I let them live.

But I won’t save them from the cats.

This summer, however, was the first time I had ever seen a jumping spider in my house. And this is next-level unacceptable.

It’s bad enough to have a spider casually crawling across my wall. But one that can jump on me at any moment? Absolutely not.

This particular gray jumper was bouncing around my office wall and eventually disappeared behind the curtain on my window. I refused to touch it. I refused to investigate. I simply left it alone and eventually forgot about it.

I hadn’t seen it since, so I figured it either left or was eaten by one of the cats. Those furry freeloaders better be doing something useful around the house.

Then, one day, I was sitting at my desk when I saw a tiny bouncing speck.

It was a baby jumping spider.

My immediate thought was, oh no. The momma spider laid eggs. Somewhere in my office, there could be an entire jumping-spider nursery waiting to emerge.

I was horrified.

I started looking everywhere for evidence of an egg sac. I checked the walls. The corners. Around my desk. Behind things. I didn’t find anything, which helped me to calm down just a little.

Then another baby spider scurried across my desk.

This one was a little parson spider—one of those black spiders with the white stripe down its body. Normally, I get one of those invading my desk every summer. Fine. Whatever. We’ve established this arrangement.

But this one was a baby. I never see baby spiders, and now I had seen two?

At this point I’m really freaked out because I apparently have two different varieties of baby spiders showing up in my office.

I am not mentally prepared for Arachnophobia to play out in my home office while the cats sit around doing absolutely nothing about it.

It has gotten to the point where if a stray hair brushes against my arm, I immediately think it’s a spider web. I’m constantly looking under my desk, around the corners, at the ceiling and basically anywhere a spider might be plotting its next move.

And I know exactly what I need to do. I need to check behind the curtain. I am way too freaked out to do that.

I don’t even want to touch the curtain. I don’t want to look behind the curtain. At this point, I feel like I need a hazmat suit, a flashlight, a professional exterminator and possibly a small tactical team before I’m willing to investigate that area.

Then I was gone for a weekend.

When I came home, I was walking up the stairs when I felt something cross both of my bare arms.

It was a strand of spider web. Oh wonderful. Apparently, they have expanded their operation. I now suspect they have moved into the hallway and are hiding among the fake flowers lining the handrail and banister.

That is not cool. Not cool at all.

Knowing that the seasons are about to change doesn’t make me feel any better. If anything, the thought of spiders looking for cozy places to spend the colder months makes me want to pack a suitcase and leave.

I think it’s time to spray the exterior of the house. I will be accepting donations. Flame throwers are also acceptable.