A Matter of Perspective

This one is a hard one to write...

There is a lot of feeling and pain behind it.

You see, I shouldn’t be here writing this, sitting at the office in Clarissa. I should be in Indiana right now, planning my first overseas trip to one of the Southeast Asian nations where I would be spending 60–90 days before moving on to the next nation, and so on.

I don’t know if it was fear or homesickness or what, but about two weeks after bravely getting on a bus and heading out to Indiana, I was taking a bus back to Minnesota.

Honestly, there are a lot of emotions I am feeling right now.

One of the biggest emotions I’m feeling is shame. I was afraid to even tell anyone I came back—like a shivering puppy with my tail between my legs. I had gone off on a big adventure, and at the first sign of trouble, I turned and came back home.

Except, what I came back to is very different. My house is all but sold, so I have no place to live. Thankfully, I have friends who have graciously offered me places to stay until I can figure something out.

I have no vehicle at the present time. I’m working on that, but I’ve gotten pretty used to walking everywhere. This was a skill I was developing for the anticipated amount of walking I would be doing overseas.

I’m getting my bicycle back, which will serve me until I’m able to get a vehicle.

I basically have the contents of my backpack and a medium-sized suitcase to my name. That amounts to about 10 shirts, two pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts, and two pairs of leggings. Of course, undergarments and socks are available, too!

When I went to Indiana, it was to work with a friend of mine on the businesses that would become our livelihoods while we were overseas. I found out that there are a lot of things I don’t know how to do. But my friend and her son were patient with me and tried to teach me. I did learn some skills that will be useful in doing my business here, as well.

But when things got hard and I got lonely, I just tucked my tail and headed back here.

Back here isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. I just wonder if I’ll do anything now that I’m back. Will I go on the adventures I promised myself I would? Will I put my passport to use? Or will I fall back into the realm of fear and just let that passport become thicker—not with stamps and visas for the countries I traveled to, but with dust?

I’ve hurt people with my drastic changes—from being here to leaving, and now hurting my friend by hopping the bus to escape a future I was perhaps not ready for. I won’t know that part now. I can only push forward with what I do know—that I need adventure in my life, but I also need family and home to be a part of that life, too.

So yes, I did leave. I sold, gave away, and pretty much threw away most of my “old” life and am starting over with very little in the way of material things. But I am starting over.

I guess that’s what we do...we start over, and with hope, we don’t make the same mistakes we did the first time. We take the lessons that we learned and move forward.

There are other options, but for now, I’m choosing to move forward here and see where life takes me. Except this time, I’m going to be a lot more intentional about things.

I’m planning to take a trip to Canada now that I have my passport. I’m almost 60 years old and have lived here in Minnesota for most of my life, and I’ve never visited our nearest international neighbors. I was briefly in Mexico when I was 18, and I didn’t need a passport to go there then.

But I’ll keep you informed about my travels—even if they start out being only in my mind!